In which I rank all the series finales, because you care

And also because, it being Reading Week, I have nothing better to do with my time other than research gasoline taxes in Canada for a FASCINATING essay I am writing for my International Political Economy class...but I digress.

Perfunctory warning:

Note: I consider Series 4 to have two separate "finales" - 4a and 4b. 

#6, aka The Worst Series Finale Ever: Series 3 (Utopia/Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords)

No surprises here, really. The buildup was fantastic (barring the whole embarrassing YANA bit - like really, who looked at that in the script and thought "yes, that's fantastic, let's make that his name and clobber our viewers over the head with a plank of stupid"?). We had the Master, Ten being all fab, Jack Harkness being even fabber, spooky Toclafane which were revealed to be Utopia-bound humans, a complete bloody apocalypse - 

Seriously, those things were bloody creepy.

You had the stage set for all kinds of awesome, and then what did you get? Shitty writing and special effects that looked like they were cobbled together out of bits of string and flashlights with blue cellophane on them.

Also TENNANTJESUS

 But that's all been said before and more eloquently in other reviews - the bad resolution, the reset, the cheap religious parallel, etc. So I'm just going to say that my biggest bone to pick with this finale was the absolute CRAP treatment of the Master, a character who deserved far, far better than to be "outwitted" by some plotholey Messianic bullshit. Of course, he came back for a second go with Ten, which I'll talk about later. 

#5, aka Also Pretty Bad: Series 4b (The End of Time pts I/II)

"Later" being "now", apparently.

So let me get this straight, I don't have HUGE beef with 4b. Compared to 3, it's practically good television. And of course, Ten's farewells made me soak my shirt in tears. And his bromance with Wilf was nothing short of ecstatically adorable. And his acting, in general, was phenomenal.

"Some new man goes sauntering away, and I'm dead."

But there were potholes in this, so many potholes. (No, I don't mean plotholes, I mean potholes. I mean in the sense that you're following along, following along, and then all of a sudden something makes you feel like you've driven into a pothole and you're like DAMN IT I WANT TO ENJOY THIS but that little thing is sticking in your head and spoiling it.) I'll list some of them very quickly, in no particular order.

1). Martha marries Mickey? What the shit? Either there's some rule now that the black people have to get together (which I find extremely implausible, knowing RTD) or this was a complete writing-fart (which I find much more plausible, knowing RTD).

2). The interminable gun scene. I'M SHOOTING RASSILON NO NOW I'M SHOOTING THE MASTER OHHH RASSILON BE AFRAID OHHH MASTER EAT MY BULLET HEY TIMOTHY DALTON SWALLOW MY LEAD NO NVM LOL

Sweetie, no, just please...please stop.

3). Gallifrey appears in the sky, this huge fucking planet, and everyone goes "oh that's cool lol hey there's a huge fucking planet in our sky, it's kinda blocking the sun". Seriously, I know DW is way heavier on the "fi" than the "sci", but come ON people. Not even any tidal effects? (As you may have guessed, I have beef with 4a too.)

And finally, most importantly...

4). The ending given to the Master. Oh I get it, it's all for revenge and shit, but seriously? The guy who imprisoned you for a year, who is a total sadistic bastard, who kills for pure entertainment and sometimes just because he's bored...and he goes out into the white light? Ugh. Pick on this if you want, but to me the Master is the epitome of "fabulous underused villain". If he had gotten less buildup, I think I could have accepted the manner of his exit, but that seems to have been RTD's modus operandi: introduce Master, make him do all kinds of unthinkably awesome shit, dispose of him quickly. I think he deserved nothing less than to go out in the biggest, most fantastic way possible. Preferably after killing Martha.

(Sorry, Martha fans.) 

#4, aka Mediocre with Some Great Bits: Series 2 (Army of Ghosts, Doomsday)

This is a less heinous version of the huge-buildup-that-putters-out kind of finale that we saw in Series 3. Again, the setup was fantastic. Drawing from the introduction we had to the Cybermen in Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel, as well as the parallel universe to which we’d lost Mickey (a loss which kind of meant something, since he was finally starting to not look like a colossal tool anymore), this brings back some great tie-ins from a two-parter that - I’d argue - was one of the best in the show so far. Also, we got to see Torchwood London, and for someone like me who had found Doctor Who through Torchwood (yes I watched Torchwood first, yes I’m aware that’s pretty much the worst thing for a Doctor Who fan to do) this was particularly exciting for me to watch.

Also, we have the Daleks, who haven’t appeared since the end of Series 1 when they kindly assisted us with our constipation problems.

AARGH HOLY SHIT THEY CAN GET UP STAIRS NOW

But as I mentioned in my Dalek rant post, they aren’t half as impressive anymore. The first time I watched it, I was looking for the soulless monsters that had terrified me last series. Instead I got PEW PEW PEW FLASHY LIGHTS ALL OVER THE PLACE AUGH. Because, of course, the finales always have to be grander than the last. And in RTD’s thinking, this means that if there was a fleet of Daleks threatening the Earth last time, this time there has to be a bloody INFINITY of Daleks. And also Cybermen!

And Dalek/Cyberman snark talk, which I actually have no complaints about.

It’s just all too much. I got desensitized. And then they all get sucked into the void, like a nice neat vacuum cleaner. Millions upon millions of them all just getting sucked back into this window. Ho hum. You knew it had to happen, and short of a reset, this was just about the laziest way it could have happened.

You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned Rose/Ten’s parting. That’s because it was easily the best part of the episode (writing-wise) and I have no complaints. Floods of tears, yes, but no complaints. The reason this finale is #4 and not #5 in my list is because of that, and also Murray Gold’s Doomsday piece, which is absolutely beautiful.

#3, aka Pretty Solidly Good: Series 1 (Bad Wolf/Parting of the Ways)

Now that we’re in the top half of the list I can quit bitching and start fansqueeing. Yay!

The Series 1 finale was great. It brought back my two favourite things about the series: Satellite 5, and the Daleks. The buildup was, in Nine’s words, “fantastic”. Starting with the games (though I didn’t recognize the Weakest Link at first, not having watched it when I lived in England) and then introducing the more sinister parts of the Satellite, it promised to be jam-packed with awesomeness long before we even got to the Daleks.

Also, naked Captain Jack. That...that too.

But the Daleks came along sure enough. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Series 1 Daleks are still my favourites. Not only because they’re frightening in and of themselves - the whole insane-fragment-of-a-race-led-by-an-even-insaner-Emperor thing was done really well, in my opinion - but because the dynamic Nine creates with them is phenomenal. No one does Dalek anger like Nine in his broody scowl and black leather jacket. Ten and Eleven both do pretty well - Ten with his “crisis face” (you know what I’m talking about) and Eleven with his, er, punching - but they’re all repeats. They’re all variants of HOSHIT NOT AGAIN. But with Nine, it’s a completely shocking revelation. The last time he saw these creatures in battle form, they slaughtered his people before he banished them. Now they’re back, and the revelation brings out his old anger in a way that is pretty damn effective.

Another thing I really like about this finale is that it showed me, as a new Who viewer who hadn’t seen any of the classic episodes, the first time the Doctor regenerates. I’d never seen a TV show where the main character changes his appearance, so Rose’s reaction pretty much mirrored my own, and I think that was done really well.

If there’s any complaint I have about this finale, it’s the deus ex machina ending. The whole “Bad Wolf” thing, I think, is explained pretty nicely (if you don’t hold RTD’s foreshadowing skills to the Moffat standard, which is pretty damn high), but Rose’s glowy spiel at the end always makes me giggle a little.

And She said unto the Daleks, "Thou shalt use thy plungers for solely sewage-related purposes"

But all in all, a super cool and very watchable finale, and one that had a big impact on me.

#2, aka Awesome but not Awesomest: Series 4a (The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End)

All right, I’m cheating a bit with this one. It is not actually that good. For one thing there are the bloody planets in the sky again.

Fuckin' planets, how do they work? NO SERIOUSLY, HOW.

The whole finale has the feeling of everything jammed too tightly in a space that’s too small. You’ve got Rose coming back, Ten’s regeneration scare, bloody Martha being bloody useless, disappearing planets, the long-awaited Shadow Proclamation for about half a second (and a very unimpressive half a second too), Daleks Daleks Daleks…

Also, Davros in a BITCHIN' jacket.

It’s all too much. The plot is too rushed. And yet, watching this, you know it’s not supposed to be a masterpiece of subtle writing. No, what it is is fan pandering pure and simple. This finale is nothing less than RTD’s farewell to all the characters he’s created and loved for the past four years, and dammit, he does a pretty good job. This isn’t one of those finales you pick through for clues and hidden meanings. This is one of those finales you just sit back and enjoy. And its enjoyability is absolutely priceless.

Because in 4a, everyone gets what they want. We see Torchwood, we see a fond nod to Miss “Yes We Know Who You Are” (with even the Daleks joining in on that one), we see Ten cloned (“You’re naked!” Donna exclaims as millions of fangirls hit the floor), we see Rose get with Ten, we see Donna being awesome, we see Martha being...er...less awesome (someday I will write a lovely long post explaining my Martha hatred in case anyone’s picked up on that not-too-subtle thread in my writing), we even see bloody GERMAN DALEKS. We get everything we want, like RTD has packed his creations up in a lovely Christmas present with a bow and said “look kids, Santa’s come to visit”.

And to me, in spite of the horrendous underuse/misuse of Davros as a villain and several plot holes, that means quite a lot.

#1, aka FUCK YEAH: Series 5 (The Pandorica Opens/Big Bang)

I’m guessing if you’re intelligent enough to be a Doctor Who fan you’re also intelligent enough to calculate using the process of elimination, so yes, big surprise. Also, if you’ve been reading my tiny little corner of the Internet (and tinier still corner of DW fandom) for a while, you’ll know just how much of a boner I have for this finale. So I don’t really need to write anything here, right? Bye.


Oh fine, okay, I'll try not to be lazy. But honestly, there isn't much to say that I haven't already said in December's review. Brilliant setup, but unlike RTD, the Moff actually delivers. The Doctor bloody disappears from existence and comes back, River's a stone cold badass, and there's setup for an absolutely brilliant Series 6.

Not to mention plenty of threesome fanfic.

A good series finale is one that leaves you content with the conclusion of what's come before and hungry for the start of what's to come next, and so really, there was no contest here.