In which I rank all the series finales, because you care

And also because, it being Reading Week, I have nothing better to do with my time other than research gasoline taxes in Canada for a FASCINATING essay I am writing for my International Political Economy class...but I digress.

Perfunctory warning:

Note: I consider Series 4 to have two separate "finales" - 4a and 4b. 

#6, aka The Worst Series Finale Ever: Series 3 (Utopia/Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords)

No surprises here, really. The buildup was fantastic (barring the whole embarrassing YANA bit - like really, who looked at that in the script and thought "yes, that's fantastic, let's make that his name and clobber our viewers over the head with a plank of stupid"?). We had the Master, Ten being all fab, Jack Harkness being even fabber, spooky Toclafane which were revealed to be Utopia-bound humans, a complete bloody apocalypse - 

Seriously, those things were bloody creepy.

You had the stage set for all kinds of awesome, and then what did you get? Shitty writing and special effects that looked like they were cobbled together out of bits of string and flashlights with blue cellophane on them.

Also TENNANTJESUS

 But that's all been said before and more eloquently in other reviews - the bad resolution, the reset, the cheap religious parallel, etc. So I'm just going to say that my biggest bone to pick with this finale was the absolute CRAP treatment of the Master, a character who deserved far, far better than to be "outwitted" by some plotholey Messianic bullshit. Of course, he came back for a second go with Ten, which I'll talk about later. 

#5, aka Also Pretty Bad: Series 4b (The End of Time pts I/II)

"Later" being "now", apparently.

So let me get this straight, I don't have HUGE beef with 4b. Compared to 3, it's practically good television. And of course, Ten's farewells made me soak my shirt in tears. And his bromance with Wilf was nothing short of ecstatically adorable. And his acting, in general, was phenomenal.

"Some new man goes sauntering away, and I'm dead."

But there were potholes in this, so many potholes. (No, I don't mean plotholes, I mean potholes. I mean in the sense that you're following along, following along, and then all of a sudden something makes you feel like you've driven into a pothole and you're like DAMN IT I WANT TO ENJOY THIS but that little thing is sticking in your head and spoiling it.) I'll list some of them very quickly, in no particular order.

1). Martha marries Mickey? What the shit? Either there's some rule now that the black people have to get together (which I find extremely implausible, knowing RTD) or this was a complete writing-fart (which I find much more plausible, knowing RTD).

2). The interminable gun scene. I'M SHOOTING RASSILON NO NOW I'M SHOOTING THE MASTER OHHH RASSILON BE AFRAID OHHH MASTER EAT MY BULLET HEY TIMOTHY DALTON SWALLOW MY LEAD NO NVM LOL

Sweetie, no, just please...please stop.

3). Gallifrey appears in the sky, this huge fucking planet, and everyone goes "oh that's cool lol hey there's a huge fucking planet in our sky, it's kinda blocking the sun". Seriously, I know DW is way heavier on the "fi" than the "sci", but come ON people. Not even any tidal effects? (As you may have guessed, I have beef with 4a too.)

And finally, most importantly...

4). The ending given to the Master. Oh I get it, it's all for revenge and shit, but seriously? The guy who imprisoned you for a year, who is a total sadistic bastard, who kills for pure entertainment and sometimes just because he's bored...and he goes out into the white light? Ugh. Pick on this if you want, but to me the Master is the epitome of "fabulous underused villain". If he had gotten less buildup, I think I could have accepted the manner of his exit, but that seems to have been RTD's modus operandi: introduce Master, make him do all kinds of unthinkably awesome shit, dispose of him quickly. I think he deserved nothing less than to go out in the biggest, most fantastic way possible. Preferably after killing Martha.

(Sorry, Martha fans.) 

#4, aka Mediocre with Some Great Bits: Series 2 (Army of Ghosts, Doomsday)

This is a less heinous version of the huge-buildup-that-putters-out kind of finale that we saw in Series 3. Again, the setup was fantastic. Drawing from the introduction we had to the Cybermen in Rise of the Cybermen/Age of Steel, as well as the parallel universe to which we’d lost Mickey (a loss which kind of meant something, since he was finally starting to not look like a colossal tool anymore), this brings back some great tie-ins from a two-parter that - I’d argue - was one of the best in the show so far. Also, we got to see Torchwood London, and for someone like me who had found Doctor Who through Torchwood (yes I watched Torchwood first, yes I’m aware that’s pretty much the worst thing for a Doctor Who fan to do) this was particularly exciting for me to watch.

Also, we have the Daleks, who haven’t appeared since the end of Series 1 when they kindly assisted us with our constipation problems.

AARGH HOLY SHIT THEY CAN GET UP STAIRS NOW

But as I mentioned in my Dalek rant post, they aren’t half as impressive anymore. The first time I watched it, I was looking for the soulless monsters that had terrified me last series. Instead I got PEW PEW PEW FLASHY LIGHTS ALL OVER THE PLACE AUGH. Because, of course, the finales always have to be grander than the last. And in RTD’s thinking, this means that if there was a fleet of Daleks threatening the Earth last time, this time there has to be a bloody INFINITY of Daleks. And also Cybermen!

And Dalek/Cyberman snark talk, which I actually have no complaints about.

It’s just all too much. I got desensitized. And then they all get sucked into the void, like a nice neat vacuum cleaner. Millions upon millions of them all just getting sucked back into this window. Ho hum. You knew it had to happen, and short of a reset, this was just about the laziest way it could have happened.

You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned Rose/Ten’s parting. That’s because it was easily the best part of the episode (writing-wise) and I have no complaints. Floods of tears, yes, but no complaints. The reason this finale is #4 and not #5 in my list is because of that, and also Murray Gold’s Doomsday piece, which is absolutely beautiful.

#3, aka Pretty Solidly Good: Series 1 (Bad Wolf/Parting of the Ways)

Now that we’re in the top half of the list I can quit bitching and start fansqueeing. Yay!

The Series 1 finale was great. It brought back my two favourite things about the series: Satellite 5, and the Daleks. The buildup was, in Nine’s words, “fantastic”. Starting with the games (though I didn’t recognize the Weakest Link at first, not having watched it when I lived in England) and then introducing the more sinister parts of the Satellite, it promised to be jam-packed with awesomeness long before we even got to the Daleks.

Also, naked Captain Jack. That...that too.

But the Daleks came along sure enough. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Series 1 Daleks are still my favourites. Not only because they’re frightening in and of themselves - the whole insane-fragment-of-a-race-led-by-an-even-insaner-Emperor thing was done really well, in my opinion - but because the dynamic Nine creates with them is phenomenal. No one does Dalek anger like Nine in his broody scowl and black leather jacket. Ten and Eleven both do pretty well - Ten with his “crisis face” (you know what I’m talking about) and Eleven with his, er, punching - but they’re all repeats. They’re all variants of HOSHIT NOT AGAIN. But with Nine, it’s a completely shocking revelation. The last time he saw these creatures in battle form, they slaughtered his people before he banished them. Now they’re back, and the revelation brings out his old anger in a way that is pretty damn effective.

Another thing I really like about this finale is that it showed me, as a new Who viewer who hadn’t seen any of the classic episodes, the first time the Doctor regenerates. I’d never seen a TV show where the main character changes his appearance, so Rose’s reaction pretty much mirrored my own, and I think that was done really well.

If there’s any complaint I have about this finale, it’s the deus ex machina ending. The whole “Bad Wolf” thing, I think, is explained pretty nicely (if you don’t hold RTD’s foreshadowing skills to the Moffat standard, which is pretty damn high), but Rose’s glowy spiel at the end always makes me giggle a little.

And She said unto the Daleks, "Thou shalt use thy plungers for solely sewage-related purposes"

But all in all, a super cool and very watchable finale, and one that had a big impact on me.

#2, aka Awesome but not Awesomest: Series 4a (The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End)

All right, I’m cheating a bit with this one. It is not actually that good. For one thing there are the bloody planets in the sky again.

Fuckin' planets, how do they work? NO SERIOUSLY, HOW.

The whole finale has the feeling of everything jammed too tightly in a space that’s too small. You’ve got Rose coming back, Ten’s regeneration scare, bloody Martha being bloody useless, disappearing planets, the long-awaited Shadow Proclamation for about half a second (and a very unimpressive half a second too), Daleks Daleks Daleks…

Also, Davros in a BITCHIN' jacket.

It’s all too much. The plot is too rushed. And yet, watching this, you know it’s not supposed to be a masterpiece of subtle writing. No, what it is is fan pandering pure and simple. This finale is nothing less than RTD’s farewell to all the characters he’s created and loved for the past four years, and dammit, he does a pretty good job. This isn’t one of those finales you pick through for clues and hidden meanings. This is one of those finales you just sit back and enjoy. And its enjoyability is absolutely priceless.

Because in 4a, everyone gets what they want. We see Torchwood, we see a fond nod to Miss “Yes We Know Who You Are” (with even the Daleks joining in on that one), we see Ten cloned (“You’re naked!” Donna exclaims as millions of fangirls hit the floor), we see Rose get with Ten, we see Donna being awesome, we see Martha being...er...less awesome (someday I will write a lovely long post explaining my Martha hatred in case anyone’s picked up on that not-too-subtle thread in my writing), we even see bloody GERMAN DALEKS. We get everything we want, like RTD has packed his creations up in a lovely Christmas present with a bow and said “look kids, Santa’s come to visit”.

And to me, in spite of the horrendous underuse/misuse of Davros as a villain and several plot holes, that means quite a lot.

#1, aka FUCK YEAH: Series 5 (The Pandorica Opens/Big Bang)

I’m guessing if you’re intelligent enough to be a Doctor Who fan you’re also intelligent enough to calculate using the process of elimination, so yes, big surprise. Also, if you’ve been reading my tiny little corner of the Internet (and tinier still corner of DW fandom) for a while, you’ll know just how much of a boner I have for this finale. So I don’t really need to write anything here, right? Bye.


Oh fine, okay, I'll try not to be lazy. But honestly, there isn't much to say that I haven't already said in December's review. Brilliant setup, but unlike RTD, the Moff actually delivers. The Doctor bloody disappears from existence and comes back, River's a stone cold badass, and there's setup for an absolutely brilliant Series 6.

Not to mention plenty of threesome fanfic.

A good series finale is one that leaves you content with the conclusion of what's come before and hungry for the start of what's to come next, and so really, there was no contest here.

Interrupting your regularly scheduled programming

This is one of the very, very few times that I will ever post about anything that's not Doctor Who related. But this has got to be shared.

Right now there are massive protests going on in Libya to oust the dictator Gaddafi, as well as in Bahrain to oust the ruling Al Khalifa family. If you've heard about the Egypt and Tunisia protests that started in earlier weeks, this is pretty much along the same lines. Except for two things:

1). There is far more violence, far more death, occurring in the Libyan and Bahraini protests;

2). There is far less attention being paid to them by the international community.

What we're seeing here is the beginnings of a fundamental shift of power in the Middle East. There's hope and beauty to be found in the peoples of Libya and Bahrain, but the ruling powers are fighting tooth and nail to hold on. And that's a massive understatement.

In Libya, soldiers are being burned alive when they refuse to shoot protesters. Gaddafi has given orders to sanction rape of any protesting women. Soldiers are shooting injured in hospitals. There are images too disturbing for me to post, of people ripped - literally ripped - in half. 

In Bahrain, the situation is not as violent (I think), but it is escalating. Tear gas has been used on protesters and the death toll is steadily climbing.

I know how it feels to open a blog you usually read for fun and see some preachy post trying to make you change something you can't change. I'm not going to ask you for anything big. Just please, please take about fifteen minutes and read about what's going on, if you don't know already. There are some links below that may help.

And then talk about it. Take a minute and talk about it at dinner, to your parents, to your friends. It's going to be jarring. No one likes to talk about rape and mutilation. But please do it, for five minutes, sometime today. Not enough people are talking, and with every person who refuses to keep silent, the suffering these people are going through in their pursuit of democracy will mean a little bit more. Write to your MP or representative, but only if you want to. In the meanwhile, just read and talk. Please.

Live blog on Bahrain

What's happening in Bahrain, explained

Live blog on Libya

What's happening in Libya, explained

Remember: read and talk. It's the best thing you can do. It's enough.

BOOP BOOP

The lovely and quite possibly batshit insane Kate Beaton has never seen Doctor Who, draws a comic about it anyway, is awesome:

EDIT: And of course the picture is lost. Oh well. Click here to see it!

And somehow she gets it spot on.

Anyway guys, guess what this week is? READING WEEK! Expect a post about STUFF. Soon.

For all your love-day needs

Dear readers,

Valentine's Day is a stressful time of year. You know your valentine's sweetie is a special person, but what if you haven't figured out what to get him/her/hir/it? Never fear; I have come to your rescue. Below I have provided a variety of romantic couplets for you to recite to your sweetheart, regardless of species or race. 

If your Valentine is a: HUMAN

Fezzes are red, the TARDIS is blue,

I'd wait two thousand years for you.

If your Valentine is a: TIME LORD

Fezzes are red, Amy's a tart,

But I'll take care of both your hearts.

If your Valentine is a: DALEK

Fezzes are red, bananas are great,

It turns me on when you yell EXTERMINATE.

If your Valentine is a: CYBERMAN

Fezzes are red, Lumic was defeated,

But my love for you can never be deleted.

If your Valentine is a: WEEPING ANGEL

Fezzes are red, you make most hearts sink,

But when I see you I don't even want to blink.

If your Valentine is a: SONTARAN

Fezzes are red, you are pretty small,

But your honour makes you the best of them all.

If your Valentine is a: VASHTA NERADA

Fezzes are red, shadows are black,

Your hunger for meat makes you great in the sack.

If your Valentine is: NON EXISTENT

Congratulations, welcome to the club. Here is a sympathy cheesecake for you.

Ohhh yes.

Happy Valentine's Day, friends.

HAY GUISE I MADE U A COLARFUL DALEK

I HOPE U LIEK

I'm so, so sorry. Reading Week is coming up soon. I promise I will post real things.

In the meantime, this is a great time-waster...

I'm waiting for my Rory.

(from fuckyeahdrwho)

THIS, SO HARD.

Normally I wouldn't post fanart because A - there's so much awesome DW fanart out there I'd be spamming you for weeks and B - there are plenty of DW tumblrs and deviantarts and so on that do a much better job of it. But I want to share this with you, not so much for its artistic merit, but for the thought behind it.

The new series tries to paint the Doctor as a romantic Holy Grail of sorts. But really, will any relationship with him ever have any chance of lasting? That's the reason he didn't stay with Rose. That's the reason he never promises himself to anyone. He may take you on fantastic adventures, and you may Google pictures of his butt, but you'd never have lasting happiness with him unless you were a Time Lady.

And there's his type in real life too. The hot, exciting guy who always makes you feel like you're a step behind, but you don't mind because running to catch up is so much fun. The guy who makes you feel like the spotlight's shining on you both, but who will leave you someday and not look back.

Nah. I'd rather have myself a Rory. I want the boy who clicks with me in all the boring ways as well as all the exciting ones. I'd rather have a provincial dork who gets it wrong sometimes but will wait for me for two millennia if he has to.

ATTENTION: THIS HAS BEEN A RORY WILLIAMS APPRECIATION POST

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

Doctor Who Puppet Pals = AWESOME

I'm just gonna leave this here for you. Consider it a little present for how awesome you've been lately, commenting and giving input and whatnot.

Also, I agree with the first comment. Captain Jack should have been nekkid.

Death or plumbing, death or plumbing

For those of you who may not know of Eddie Izzard, let me just tell you that he is a very funny man. My housemate Allison introduced me to his stuff and tonight we were just youtubing random sketches of his when we came across this gem. It's a little long, but well worth it just to hear his Dalek impressions.

Nekkid men

Right, so that got your attention, you smutty lot. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Anyway, now that my obligatory PSA is over, I thought I would share with you a little story that's not really all that interesting but which I found absolutely astonishing.

So I'm writing a DW fanfic (I prefer to think of it as an original story set in the Whoniverse but I have been informed it is a fanfic and I should stop deluding myself with literary aspirations) and it involves Nine. Out of inspiration(?) or just sheer Nine nostalgia, I Googled Christopher Eccleston and about halfway down the second page there was a cap of him butt-naked in Jude. 

No, I didn't link it. Stop hovering over that sentence. Go search it if you're that interested, you smutfiends.

Anyway, I'm not really a stranger to seeing nekkid men on TV (been watching Rome with the housemates lately) so it's not that part that made me uncomfortable, more the part that - as much as I fangirl about the Doctor - actually knowing Eccleston in that role made seeing him in his nuddypants rather strange. Because of all the incarnations of the Doctor, Nine's not really that sexual, is he? (At least, not compared to the space whore that was Ten.)

So I went all "OMGOMG NEKKID NINE ISN'T THAT WEIRD" to my best friend who promptly replied with not one but TWO pictures of none other than DAVID TENNANT naked one of them FULL FRONTAL and I ask you WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO OTHER THAN FAINT because call me a terrible fangirl but this is the FIRST TIME that I ever knew there were NEKKID PICTURES OF TEN ON THE INTERNET.

No, I didn't link those either. Sheesh, you filthy bastards. I like to keep this at least slightly family-friendly. One of the pictures had Teninch wearing nothing but a police hat on stage, if you really want to find it.

So...I guess the upshot of it all is that there are real live nekkid pictures of David Tennant on the internet, and also I may have just died.

That probably wasn't very informative. Fuck you all. I am tired.