A big fat River Song speculation post.

River goddamn Song. What a frustratingly enigmatic woman. I love her, I really do, but every time she says "Spoilers!" in that sing-song voice, I want to...well, I want to speculate for another two hours, really. 

I love this gif.

So that's what I do.

Here, in no particular order, are my thoughts on a bunch of different River Song fan theories that I've picked up on the Pointless Waste of Time forum, the Digital Spy forum, and other places. (Yes, I'm a dork.)

1). River Song is the Doctor's wife.

 I've started with the most obvious one, which (to me) means that it has to be the least likely one. This theory has been bandied around so much that Amy even jokes about it in Series 5: "Are you two married in the future? She's very...'heel, boy'". Well, River may be very 'heel, boy', but unless the Moff likes to indulge in some pretty convoluted reverse psychology, I highly doubt this is actually it.

That doesn't preclude the possibility of River and the Doctor getting their smooches on, though. I mean, really...

Come on now.

2). River Song is a later regen of the Doctor.

Unless the Doctor becomes enough of a narcissist to be attracted to himself - and, to be honest, that's not entirely impossible - I wouldn't put money on this.  And it's not just because of the romancey stuff (eww cooties). I dunno, I don't think the Doctor would have a female regeneration at all. A lot of fans seem to want that, but...he doesn't show any signs of being from a hermaphroditic species, and a lot of his experiences are uniquely male (read: Rose). 

I wouldn't mind seeing a female Time Lord sometime though. I keep hearing about the Rani - how about we see some of her?

3). River Song is Amy from the future.

Now this one I do like. The big clue that a lot of people seem to focus on is the aquatic theme of both their names: "River" Song, Amy "Pond". When River first meets Amy in Time of the Angels, she says "Oh, you are good" - she seems to have a high degree of respect and awareness of Amy as a companion, more than she ever had in her interaction with Donna. Amy's and the Doctor's ambiguously pseudo-romantic bits (basically Amy wanting to bone him, not marry him) could very well fit with River's wifey-but-not-really vibe. 

And - this is my favourite bit - this would explain my one big problem with the end of Big Bang, where River gave Amy her TARDIS diary, even though she wouldn't have remembered the Doctor/met Amy/known why the blankness of the diary was significant at all. Because if River is Amy, then she's special, and she has the power to remember the Doctor. Sure, there would be another couple tiny holes, but I'd be satisfied with wibbley-wobbley timey-wimey for those.

Also, read the text under Amy's picture. River can fly the TARDIS even better than the Doctor can.

God damn, the more I think about this the more I like it. If I'm right YOU READ IT HERE, FOLKS.

Cue the timeline-crossing slashfic.

4). River Song is the Doctor's daughter.

Refer to #1 and add a big "EWWWWWWW".

5). River Song is the Doctor's mother.

Refer to #1 and add a big "NO NO NO".

6). River Song is a personification of the TARDIS.

Now this is interesting. I came across this on Digital Spy and had to blink and read again, because my first instinct was "LOLWUT". Then I read this:

"The Tardis is female. The Doctor talks to it like a wife or partner. (Thanks dear). When Churchill calls the Tardis, River gets the call.
River knows more about how the Tardis works than the Doctor (blue boringers)" (from a Digital Spy forum member)

Obviously I can't take credit for any speculation about this, but it does make a strange kind of sense. There are alternate explanations for every statement up there, but still. I like it a hell of a lot more than "River is the Doctor's daughter/wife", anyway. Yeuch. 

What do you think? Did I miss out anything?