In which I review the Doctor Who TV Movie, or in other words, die by inches

(EDIT: If you haven't seen the movie yet and would like to do so, well, click here if you've got an hour and a half to spare. It is worth it. Sort of. You'll see.)

So...I watched the Doctor Who TV movie tonight. The one with the Eighth Doctor, Paul McGann.

I'm not one to sugarcoat things: This was without a doubt one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. If Attack of the Clones bred with Gigli their offspring would not come close to this. I guess what I am saying is THIS MOVIE WAS AWFUL.

But...not in the way you might think. Hence this post, which is totally what I should be spending my time on during exam period.

WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS IN HERE. IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE (AND I WON'T JUDGE YOU IF YOU ARE, HELL, I JUST PAID $5 TO RENT IT) AND YOU WANT YOUR ENJOYMENT TO BE UNTAINTED, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

Okay, so I was going to do this review as an extended plot summary, but on the night I watched this I tried to blog it that way and I ended up typing the equivalent of 10 Word pages with two or three screencaps per page and only got about a third of the way through. And by that time it was 2:30. So instead here's a link to Wikipedia where you can read the plot for yourself and pray over the grave of my dead brain. I'm gonna do this the darts-and-laurels way instead.

Why this movie is awful:

Firstly, Sylvester McCoy gets probably the worst send-off of any Doctor in history. If you listen closely you can hear the director yelling "You're not pretty enough for American audiences!" under the sound of gang gunshots.

Pout harder! You're just not trying! Okay, fuck this, we're bringing in Paul McGann.

And just as we try to recover from the shock of his sudden death, we're faced with the most esthetically-challenged sidekick in the existence of sidekicks.

Either that hair is a gang symbol, or you're an awful person.

But, you know, I could get past all that if it weren't for the companion in this movie. Grace "Tits" Holloway is the worst companion I've ever seen in Doctor Who (and I lived through the Year of Martha).

You thought I was kidding about the nickname.

She starts off okay - she's a surgeon which ranked her high in my first estimation because I like to see portrayals of capable women - but that's legit the only personality that she has. When she fails to "save" the Doctor on her operating table and subsequently is told that all records of this abnormal patient are going to be quietly destroyed so that the hospital's reputation doesn't suffer, she gets outraged and quits. Not huuuge character development, but it gives her some depth, Unfortunately, for the rest of the movie she's relegated to "shrill dumb viewer proxy" status, who splits her time between whining about how "different" and "British" the Doctor is and trying to bone him. Which brings me to my next point:

The romance. The romance bugs me. Does this make me hypocritical? Maybe. A lot of people compare it to Ten's romance with Rose, and I fully supported that. But here's the key difference: Ten/Rose developed over a long period of time, it had depth, and most importantly it never found fruition. The actual Doctor and Rose never got together. But with Eight and Grace, it's the epitome of an American action movie romance: shallow, tied together by shared near-death experiences. It is far too human for the Doctor (and yes, if you've read the summary/seen the movie you know that Eight is actually supposed to be half-human, but FUCK THAT SHIT I can't hear you).

I hate you, Tits Holloway. For reasons which will become even more clear later.

But you know what? I could even get past the torment of watching a shitty companion butcher everything and snog the Doctor like her high school boyfriend. It would be hard, but I could do it. Because when it comes down to it, I don't watch Doctor Who for the creativity of death scenes or the fantastic hairstyling or even the mostly wonderful if not for Martha great companions. I watch it because I want to see a batty old Brit dude be a mostly incomprehensible genius, figuring out the solution through sheer brainpower and jelly babies. And it's like Fox (and to be fair, even the non-Americans involved in producing this) took the traditional idea of the Doctor and pooped all over it. This is purely the script's fault - Paul McGann seems like he could be quite a decent Doctor, given the chance. But they took him and put him on a motorcycle and made him do a high-speed chase because apparently that's the extent to which Americans can cerebrally enjoy something.  I think it was that audience patronization - which was also present in their choosing the first ever conventionally "pretty" Doctor - that irked me the most overall.

You and your flowing curls are not meant for this.

Frankly, I could rant about all the shit that's clearly non canon (the Doctor being half-human, the TARDIS apparently having the ability to eat people which wouldn't have been incredibly useful elsewhere in the series oh no, the goddamn Eye of Harmony) and the rampant plot holes, but I'd be filling up far too much and frankly you just need to see it to know what I'm talking about.

Why I enjoyed it anyway:

There's a lot of stuff I didn't mention above - some stuff that annoyed me for complex reasons that I can't articulate all that well, some stuff that I was just sort of "meh" on, and some stuff that I actually REALLY liked. Was this movie absolutely terrible? Yes. But you know that feeling you get when you're watching a bad movie, yet you can tell that there are massive amounts of talent involved? Like for example, if the acting seems like it could be really great but it's constrained by a shitty script or some other roadblock that prevents everyone from reaching their full potential? Certain parts of the movie seemed like gems glowing through a shit curtain (yes, you read that right, that is eloquence right there).

First off: the Master. You'll notice I have not mentioned him once yet. That is because, quite frankly, Eric Roberts as the Master is SUPERB. I wouldn't go so far to call him the best Master of all time, though others have done so (I've only ever seen Simm, who I'd say is better, and I haven't seen any of the old Masters). While tracking down the Doctor, he goes to the hospital where Eight regenerated and where Grace works, and starts making enquiries in this creepy dead voice (because he's trying to get used to the speech patterns of the dude whose body he possessed). Oh, and just for shits and giggles, he randomly pulls off his fingernail and chucks it at the nurse he's talking to.

Also, I want every single item of his clothing.

He camps it up near the end, but he is well within his right to do so.

Especially since he gets to wear this.

And yeah, overall I think he does a great job with what he's given.

Next: The sets and shots. I don't think these need any description. The first one is a shot of Eight after he's regenerated in the hospital (he goes to some room with a ton of broken mirrors, drops to his knees, and yells WHO?! AM?! I?! really dramatically, for no reason whatsoever). The rest are shots of Eight's TARDIS. Now I have to admit this may interest me slightly more than most people because I have always, always wanted to explore more of the TARDIS - it's the nerd equivalent of blue balls - but whether or not you're a fan of the retro-tech-juxtaposed-with-antiquated-stone look, you have to admit this is pretty amazing.

Random creepy baby doll because I'M THE DIRECTOR AND I SAID SO.

By "retro tech" I just meant the console, basically.

Try to ignore Lee of the Bad Hair and look at what's around him.

 Yeah, enough of my set nerdgasming now.

Finally, I know I complained about Paul McGann being useless (through no fault of his own), but there are certain points where he really, really tries to bring out the best of such a bad script. I feel like he could have been a really great Doctor given the chance. And all of this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I want to bone his brains out.

Does NO ONE see it except me? Am I insane? Research so far indicates yes.

(Also, that's yet another reason why I could cheerfully strangle Tits Holloway.)

There are times when Eight brings a loving touch of his previous incarnations into the picture, and to us fans (read: not American Who virgins) it's like seeing a friendly, somewhat embarrassed nod to better days.

 

He offers a jelly baby to an American cop, which turns out just as you'd expect.

Though McGann has a rather unusually soft demeanour and seems to spend half the movie just "cooling down" after his regeneration, he shows signs of potential. And while I think it's a great thing that the American series concept never got picked up by Fox in the end, part of me is sort of curious - even after this plothole-ridden trainwreck - as to how he may have panned out.

See, THIS is the Doctor I know and love.

Overall score: 1.5/5

 

Oh FINE. 2/5

And in case you're curious as to the script I keep harping on about, well I just found this on Youtube. If you've got a spare hour and a half, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

In the meantime, you won't be hearing from me again until this weekend. FIVE DAYS UNTIL THE PREMIERE PARTY. I will keep you posted. Later days!