In which I review The Impossible Astronaut

OH, MY, GOD. Oh my giddygodstrousers. Oh my pants. Oh my fez Stetson. 

There have been times when I have been less than impressed with the writing/plots under Moffat's reign. This was not one of them.

If you haven't watched this yet, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. Because as always, this review will be full of...

So, as I was watching this episode, I made notes for blag-reference-purposes later. I think you should see them. They convey everything I wanted to say, pretty much. 

But if you somehow didn't understand my train of thought from those extremely-coherent pieces of paper, then let me flesh them out for you.

What struck me first of all about this - pretty much immediately - was the fact that Doctor Who no longer looks like a television show to me. It looks like a movie. Part of this is due no doubt to the amazing Monument Valley setting, which achieves a grandeur that no green-screen could ever accomplish. But it's in the little things too: certain quirks of cinematography, timings, and so forth really made me feel like I was watching a movie (and also made me really want to hijack a movie theatre somewhere to watch it on the big screen). If it wasn't clear from the trailers, Moffat and the lads/lasses are really letting us know: this series has MONEY, and it is USING IT. In a good way.

So Amy and Rory have been taking a break from the Doctor to have lots of honeymoon sex get used to married life, but the Doctor's mucking about through history trying to get their attention, probably because he's bored and wants an adventure. 

They get a mysterious invite from him with a set of coordinates and a date/time. But they're not the only ones - River gets it too in Stormcage (which reminds me, if they're so used to her escaping, why don't they put her in a bloody forcefield or something? Your maximum security needs major work, people), a presently-unknown man named Canton Delaware III gets one, and so does...the present version of the Doctor, who misses his future self's death and funeral at the hands of a mysterious astronaut who comes out of a lake. This leads me to suspect the timing in his envelope was different than the timing in the other three envelopes...but why?

Well, for sadistic shits and giggles, according to Rory.

So the future Doctor has a picnic with his companions, all the while acting like the magician who's about to reveal a bunny to the anticipating audience. Then with no warning, he sees the Astronaut come out of the lake, tells everyone not to interfere, and then goes and gets shot. 

Right away we can tell this is not the Doctor we know. The Doctor we know would never, ever be so callous to his companions - unless there were something truly massive at stake. Smith, here, does a truly excellent job - his portrayal of the Future Doctor is slightly "off", and we only find out why once the plot unfolds. I hope you know what I mean. I can't phrase it much better than that.

After this super-compacted emotional rollercoaster, the companions go back to the diner and...out comes Present Doctor, completely nonchalantly, looking for a straw.

He likes fizz, you see.

And now we hop in the TARDIS. This was the part where I truly fell in love with this episode. Because we've just seen the Doctor (well, Future Doctor) at his most secretive, and now there's an instant reversal: now the companions are the ones with the massive secret, and he's the one in the dark. And the Doctor, of all people, does not do well with being kept in the dark. Sometimes I think, in spite of the deep affection he has for his companions and friends across the galaxies, at heart he's still a cold intellectual; and what more do intellectuals desire than knowledge? And when this knowledge is kept from him, he turns coldly furious. The scene where he's interrogating River and Amy shows the power of the Doctor's menace better than any scene I can recall from new Who, except perhaps a couple Eccleston moments. 

Eleven is unimpressed with your shit.

And then - who's the one person who can bring him out of his fury? Why, Amy of course. When she swears on "fish fingers and custard", you can see the muscles relaxing in Smith's face. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Bravo, Matt Smith. Bravo.

So we're off to 'Murcuh in 1969, the year of the moon landing, and the Doctor makes my heart sing by "cloaking" the TARDIS. Seriously, when my two fandoms come together, I can't even handle it. 

And then there's the scene in the Oval Office with gravelly-Nixon, Delaware, and the useless Feds and oh my god. Oh my god. This was easily one of the best parts of an absolutely stellar episode. For an entire scene the Doctor is the Doctor at his best: quick-thinking, manipulative, hilarious, and commanding. He gets the Americans to help him while insulting them at the same time. This is truly the essence of the Doctor: no matter where or when he is, he is THE authority in the room, and don't you forget it - not even you, you lowly terrestrial bureaucrats. 

"The legs, the nose, and Mrs. Robinson." "I hate you." "No you don't."

Anyway, he figures out a seemingly perplexing phone call in about the same amount of time that it takes Amy to go to the bathroom and get her shit almost wrecked by the Silence. I was expecting it, but I still screamed. 

The Silence tells Amy to tell the Doctor "what he must know, and what he must never know". Naturally, she assumes this means the facts about his death, though I believe it could be open to interpretation. Oh, and it also decides to zap a random woman with electricity. Why? "Joy", it says at first, before clarifying that it's the dead woman's name. I have to admit, this part left me a little lukewarm - the fact that they kill with zappy electricity just seems a little, I don't know, mundane to me. It's probably a side attraction from their real purpose, which is probably (knowing Moffat) supremely horrifying. And I would've found "Joy" creepier as a reason for killing rather than the victim's name, but I suppose it works.

One thing's for sure though: the voice. Holy shit, that voice. It's going to crop up in my nightmares, I just know it. That and the see-it-then-forget-it concept, which may not be the most original idea in the book, but is pretty damn terrifying nonetheless.

So Amy leaves the bathroom and, of course, forgets all about the Silence - but has a picture of it on her phone, which will no doubt come up later (probably when they bring out the tally marks).

The Doctor, meanwhile, has been his usual brilliant self and figured out where the child on the phone is. Off we go to the deserted warehouse in Florida, with a hilarious (if slightly overdone) sideshow of Delaware completely freaking the fuck out. I have to say, I did like how Rory "babysits" him - it does a good job of showing that Rory (though he is the "newest") has cemented his position as a companion.

I also like the idea of stolen human tech; it gives us a puzzle to work out - why would advanced aliens steal human technology? Here we also see Delaware humanized a bit: he tells Amy he was kicked out of the FBI because he wanted to marry, and Amy asks "So that's a crime?" Prediction: Delaware is gay. 

Slightly more obvious prediction: Smitthew is adorable.

Then River climbs down into a mysteriously fun-looking sewer, but not before exchanging very sexual banter with the Doctor. Seriously, someone please get those two a fire hose or a secluded soundproof room. The un-aging is also done pretty brilliantly - the River here is sexier and spunkier than the older, wiser River of Silence in the Library. And speaking of Silence in the Library, Alex Kingston shows her award-winning potential with a heartbreaking unknowing reference to her own death. 

"...and it's going to kill me."

And Rory and River find...the TARDIS from the Lodger! (Amidst some pants-shitting brief encounters with the Silence, of course.)

Meanwhile, aboveground, shit's going down in flames. We know that the Doctor would never refuse to listen to Amy unless something momentous was happening, but all the same she needs to demand his attention multiple times before she can tell him about his death. WAIT NO, SHE JUST TOLD HIM SHE WAS PREGNANT.

WHAT.

And then the Astronaut shows up, and it's a child, and AMY SHOOTS IT THE END.

Presenting: Steven Moffat, the king of unbelievably cruel cliffhangers. I don't know how I'm going to wait a week, you guys. I have no idea. 

Anyway, I can safely say, with the exception of Blink/Girl in the Fireplace/Series 1 and Series 5 finales, that I have not seen a better Doctor Who episode. And I have definitely never seen one as dark or compelling as this. Series 6 is off to a stellar start.

Rating: 4.5/5

Predictions, theories, and other tidbits:

- The Bowtie! thread on the Pointless Waste of Time forums has been tossing around a theory that the child Astronaut is River Song. Here's the discussion, if you're interested.

- When River tries to shoot the Astronaut and fails, she says quietly "of course not". Does she know who the Astronaut is? If it's herself, does she know that she obviously wouldn't be able to kill herself without starting a paradox? Whatever it is, she definitely knows more than she's telling...as always.

- This shot is gorgeous:

- I am seriously going to cry the next time I watch Silence in the Library. (WAIT. "Silence" in the Library? Really? Or could I be reading too much into this?)

- I think the Silence are mutated humans of some sort. Why? Well, they're pretty humanoid, and that's what makes their appearance so creepy, because they seem human but distorted. Also, their suits wouldn't make much sense to me otherwise.

- Also:

I wear a Stetson now. Stetsons are cool.

Now that we're into the new series I can finally structure this blog the way I intended it: weekly reviews plus whatever extraneous stuff I feel like posting. See you next weekend. Till then, happy squeeing, fellow Whovians.

EDIT/ADDENDUM: Apparently "bumpy wumpy" is the new "timey wimey". Should I rename my blog? I just can't keep up with the kids and their lingo.

Rest in peace, Elisabeth Sladen

Sources on Twitter are saying that Elisabeth Sladen, the actress who portrays one of Doctor Who's best-loved companions Sarah Jane Smith, passed away today from cancer-related complications. I was sceptical at first, but Mark Gatiss tweeted it just now and other reliable sources - Gallifrey One and Blogtor Who among them - are saying the same.

As some of you might know, I am not very familiar with classic Who, so I never saw her in her companion days. But she delivered a sparkling performance in School Reunion and the Series 4 finale and had a spectacular run with the spin-off Sarah Jane Adventures.

Rest in peace, Elisabeth. People say you were one of the classiest ladies and greatest actresses ever to grace Doctor Who. I can very well believe it.

In which I review the Doctor Who TV Movie, or in other words, die by inches

(EDIT: If you haven't seen the movie yet and would like to do so, well, click here if you've got an hour and a half to spare. It is worth it. Sort of. You'll see.)

So...I watched the Doctor Who TV movie tonight. The one with the Eighth Doctor, Paul McGann.

I'm not one to sugarcoat things: This was without a doubt one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life. If Attack of the Clones bred with Gigli their offspring would not come close to this. I guess what I am saying is THIS MOVIE WAS AWFUL.

But...not in the way you might think. Hence this post, which is totally what I should be spending my time on during exam period.

WARNING: THERE ARE SPOILERS IN HERE. IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO WATCH THIS MOVIE (AND I WON'T JUDGE YOU IF YOU ARE, HELL, I JUST PAID $5 TO RENT IT) AND YOU WANT YOUR ENJOYMENT TO BE UNTAINTED, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

Okay, so I was going to do this review as an extended plot summary, but on the night I watched this I tried to blog it that way and I ended up typing the equivalent of 10 Word pages with two or three screencaps per page and only got about a third of the way through. And by that time it was 2:30. So instead here's a link to Wikipedia where you can read the plot for yourself and pray over the grave of my dead brain. I'm gonna do this the darts-and-laurels way instead.

Why this movie is awful:

Firstly, Sylvester McCoy gets probably the worst send-off of any Doctor in history. If you listen closely you can hear the director yelling "You're not pretty enough for American audiences!" under the sound of gang gunshots.

Pout harder! You're just not trying! Okay, fuck this, we're bringing in Paul McGann.

And just as we try to recover from the shock of his sudden death, we're faced with the most esthetically-challenged sidekick in the existence of sidekicks.

Either that hair is a gang symbol, or you're an awful person.

But, you know, I could get past all that if it weren't for the companion in this movie. Grace "Tits" Holloway is the worst companion I've ever seen in Doctor Who (and I lived through the Year of Martha).

You thought I was kidding about the nickname.

She starts off okay - she's a surgeon which ranked her high in my first estimation because I like to see portrayals of capable women - but that's legit the only personality that she has. When she fails to "save" the Doctor on her operating table and subsequently is told that all records of this abnormal patient are going to be quietly destroyed so that the hospital's reputation doesn't suffer, she gets outraged and quits. Not huuuge character development, but it gives her some depth, Unfortunately, for the rest of the movie she's relegated to "shrill dumb viewer proxy" status, who splits her time between whining about how "different" and "British" the Doctor is and trying to bone him. Which brings me to my next point:

The romance. The romance bugs me. Does this make me hypocritical? Maybe. A lot of people compare it to Ten's romance with Rose, and I fully supported that. But here's the key difference: Ten/Rose developed over a long period of time, it had depth, and most importantly it never found fruition. The actual Doctor and Rose never got together. But with Eight and Grace, it's the epitome of an American action movie romance: shallow, tied together by shared near-death experiences. It is far too human for the Doctor (and yes, if you've read the summary/seen the movie you know that Eight is actually supposed to be half-human, but FUCK THAT SHIT I can't hear you).

I hate you, Tits Holloway. For reasons which will become even more clear later.

But you know what? I could even get past the torment of watching a shitty companion butcher everything and snog the Doctor like her high school boyfriend. It would be hard, but I could do it. Because when it comes down to it, I don't watch Doctor Who for the creativity of death scenes or the fantastic hairstyling or even the mostly wonderful if not for Martha great companions. I watch it because I want to see a batty old Brit dude be a mostly incomprehensible genius, figuring out the solution through sheer brainpower and jelly babies. And it's like Fox (and to be fair, even the non-Americans involved in producing this) took the traditional idea of the Doctor and pooped all over it. This is purely the script's fault - Paul McGann seems like he could be quite a decent Doctor, given the chance. But they took him and put him on a motorcycle and made him do a high-speed chase because apparently that's the extent to which Americans can cerebrally enjoy something.  I think it was that audience patronization - which was also present in their choosing the first ever conventionally "pretty" Doctor - that irked me the most overall.

You and your flowing curls are not meant for this.

Frankly, I could rant about all the shit that's clearly non canon (the Doctor being half-human, the TARDIS apparently having the ability to eat people which wouldn't have been incredibly useful elsewhere in the series oh no, the goddamn Eye of Harmony) and the rampant plot holes, but I'd be filling up far too much and frankly you just need to see it to know what I'm talking about.

Why I enjoyed it anyway:

There's a lot of stuff I didn't mention above - some stuff that annoyed me for complex reasons that I can't articulate all that well, some stuff that I was just sort of "meh" on, and some stuff that I actually REALLY liked. Was this movie absolutely terrible? Yes. But you know that feeling you get when you're watching a bad movie, yet you can tell that there are massive amounts of talent involved? Like for example, if the acting seems like it could be really great but it's constrained by a shitty script or some other roadblock that prevents everyone from reaching their full potential? Certain parts of the movie seemed like gems glowing through a shit curtain (yes, you read that right, that is eloquence right there).

First off: the Master. You'll notice I have not mentioned him once yet. That is because, quite frankly, Eric Roberts as the Master is SUPERB. I wouldn't go so far to call him the best Master of all time, though others have done so (I've only ever seen Simm, who I'd say is better, and I haven't seen any of the old Masters). While tracking down the Doctor, he goes to the hospital where Eight regenerated and where Grace works, and starts making enquiries in this creepy dead voice (because he's trying to get used to the speech patterns of the dude whose body he possessed). Oh, and just for shits and giggles, he randomly pulls off his fingernail and chucks it at the nurse he's talking to.

Also, I want every single item of his clothing.

He camps it up near the end, but he is well within his right to do so.

Especially since he gets to wear this.

And yeah, overall I think he does a great job with what he's given.

Next: The sets and shots. I don't think these need any description. The first one is a shot of Eight after he's regenerated in the hospital (he goes to some room with a ton of broken mirrors, drops to his knees, and yells WHO?! AM?! I?! really dramatically, for no reason whatsoever). The rest are shots of Eight's TARDIS. Now I have to admit this may interest me slightly more than most people because I have always, always wanted to explore more of the TARDIS - it's the nerd equivalent of blue balls - but whether or not you're a fan of the retro-tech-juxtaposed-with-antiquated-stone look, you have to admit this is pretty amazing.

Random creepy baby doll because I'M THE DIRECTOR AND I SAID SO.

By "retro tech" I just meant the console, basically.

Try to ignore Lee of the Bad Hair and look at what's around him.

 Yeah, enough of my set nerdgasming now.

Finally, I know I complained about Paul McGann being useless (through no fault of his own), but there are certain points where he really, really tries to bring out the best of such a bad script. I feel like he could have been a really great Doctor given the chance. And all of this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I want to bone his brains out.

Does NO ONE see it except me? Am I insane? Research so far indicates yes.

(Also, that's yet another reason why I could cheerfully strangle Tits Holloway.)

There are times when Eight brings a loving touch of his previous incarnations into the picture, and to us fans (read: not American Who virgins) it's like seeing a friendly, somewhat embarrassed nod to better days.

 

He offers a jelly baby to an American cop, which turns out just as you'd expect.

Though McGann has a rather unusually soft demeanour and seems to spend half the movie just "cooling down" after his regeneration, he shows signs of potential. And while I think it's a great thing that the American series concept never got picked up by Fox in the end, part of me is sort of curious - even after this plothole-ridden trainwreck - as to how he may have panned out.

See, THIS is the Doctor I know and love.

Overall score: 1.5/5

 

Oh FINE. 2/5

And in case you're curious as to the script I keep harping on about, well I just found this on Youtube. If you've got a spare hour and a half, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

In the meantime, you won't be hearing from me again until this weekend. FIVE DAYS UNTIL THE PREMIERE PARTY. I will keep you posted. Later days!

David Tennant with baby daughter Olive

Right well it is exams and I am busy studying so I am sorry I am not posting and I won't have anything much till the 23rd but I left you with this because oh my god I'm just going to shut up now because my brain is mush

Exasperating Moffat Tweets: A Repository

So this little gem popped up on my Twitter feed today, and I experienced that usual feeling I get every couple hours where I really want to either throttle Moffat or chain him up and beat him until he tells me just exactly WHO THE FUCK RIVER SONG IS.

That was not meant in a sexual sense, you perverts.

WHAT?

SPOILERS IN WHAT?

WHAT WHERE? 

WHERE?!

GOD DAMN IT

So I have decided to put together a little collection of my favourite exasperating Moff tweets. This is how I while away the nineteen days until Series 6  how I spend my day because I have no life  an interesting thing for you to see I hope.

Okay, that one was fair enough. Sheesh, FrenchGuy31. Get in the fucking line.

 Bless you, koalaincognito. You have summed everything up perfectly.

NINETEEN DAYS.